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 For All You Poor Bored People at work!

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Deadly Desires
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PostSubject: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:26 am

few jokes etc to keep u awake!
Enjoy!


The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:28 am

45 things women can't do

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Read a map.

9. Rob a bank.

10. Sit still.

11. Tell a joke.

12. Play snooker.

13. Pay for dinner.

14. Eat a kebab while walking.

15. Argue without shouting.

16. Get told off without crying.

17. Understand fruit machines.

18. Walk past a shoe shop.

19. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

20. Not comment on stranger's clothes.

21. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

22. Let you sleep with a hang over.

23. Drink a pint gracefully.

24. Get a round in.

25. Throw a punch.

26. Do magic.

27. Like your friends.

28. Eat a really hot curry.

29. Get to the point.

30. Buy plain envelopes.

31. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

32. Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold ".

33. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends.

34. Avoid credit card debt.

35. Dive into a pool.

36. Assemble furniture.

37. Set a video recorder.

38. Not to try to change you.

39. Watch a war film.

40. Understand why flirting results in violence.

41. Spend a day by themselves.

42. Go to the toilet by themselves.

43. Buy a purse that fits in your pocket.

44. Choose a video quickly.

45. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:30 am

On the same subject

INSTRUCTIONS FOR CASH MACHINES
Please note that the XXX Bank is installing new ""Drive-thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility please read the procedure appropriate to you and remember them!

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forwards 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release Handbrake

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:32 am

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:38 am




_________________


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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:41 am

How to make a woman happy?



It's really not difficult...



To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:



1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynaecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly

45. Love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. Not stress her out

49. Not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* Birthdays

* Anniversaries

* Arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:


1. fuck him

2. blow him
3. Leave him in peace

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 7:44 am

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri May 23, 2008 10:41 am

thanks deadly that was hillarious Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Sun May 25, 2008 11:38 pm

just 4 letters

rofl
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Nikuya

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Mon May 26, 2008 12:09 am

lol the last one was awesome
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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Mon May 26, 2008 12:51 am

YES!!!!!!! more GIEF more..... Very Happy
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Grumm



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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:53 am

Have a look at some of these wow-comic strips. which one's Xenol? (the rogue stealing from a giant?) which one's Thress (I'm outta shards!)
hope youll all enjoy these as much as I
Wow Comic Strips
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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:58 am

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob.
"He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
Bob replie's
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book when, all off a sudden, the cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!!"

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:58 am

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. I have some very personal stuff dug down there..
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything.
Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:23 pm

No life Razz
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Angelchan

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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:04 pm

impossible
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PostSubject: Re: For All You Poor Bored People at work!   Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:55 am

Deadly Desires wrote:
How to make a woman happy?



It's really not difficult...



To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:



1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynaecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly

45. Love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. Not stress her out

49. Not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* Birthdays

* Anniversaries

* Arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:


1. fuck him

2. blow him
3. Leave him in peace


so true
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